EXCUSES...

As I watch other people's YouTube Videos and read other blog posts lately it's really made me start to think about myself.  I restarted WW in Jan of this year (2017) and it is now May 5 and nothing has changed for me.  Why I ask myself?  

Yes, my son broke his leg at the end of November and that took a lot of time away from myself.  Yes, we've had the holidays with my daughter coming home.  Yes, I traveled and helped my daughter move to her new home over Spring Break.  Yes, work has been stressful and busy along with all the part time jobs I have.  Yes, I've been having a ton of health problems that I can't seem to manage.  But are those really the reasons or are they EXCUSES?

How long, I ask myself, am I going to continue making excuses for myself as I watch other people be successful?  I want to be successful.  I have been successful in the past, so obviously I can do it.

So I started thinking, how can I hold myself accountable?  

Here are a few of my ideas for May...

Since it's the end of the school year I have to clean my whole classroom and get it ready for summer cleaning and the next school year...so I'm working on that this month.  

I need to do the same thing for areas in my home-especially my 'office' area which is really in the dining room/kitchen...doing that tomorrow.

My husband and I have a plan to run a half-marathon trail run in November and a marathon in March.  We have had these plans before and something always happens...life, work, injuries, etc.  BUT we're being a little more proactive this time.  We have WAY more time to train which we haven't in the past-which causes stress.  And we're designing a plan to follow.  So I feel much better about that.

Even though I'm online only right now with WW I'm going to hold a mini meeting for myself and read the weekly newsletter they give out in meetings, blog about how my week went, and plan in my planner my upcoming week so I have a plan.  I'm great with planning-that's not the issue-the follow through, the accountability and doing it is the issues.

So that's me.  I feel like there is a glimmer of light now in front of me and I'm heading towards it.  I haven't felt this in a long time.

Here I am again...

So here we are in April and I'm still in the same spot.  I'm just going to dive in with both feet and do at least a weekly post on here for my own personal accountability.  I don't like posting on instagram, even though I do sometimes, because a lot of people I know see that. I want the anonymity. 

The GOALS I had made this past weekend were:
Get a 'blue' dot everyday.  That means I'm tracking on the Weight Watchers app and I'm within my points.  My daily points are 30.  To get a blue dot I'd have to get between 28-37.

Workout at least 4 times during the week.

Update my planner nightly.

So, here it is Wednesday and I've received 1 blue dot.  That's it.  

It is SO hard with my son right now and his broken leg.  We have stuff to do almost everyday after work and I'm just totally drained all the time.  Plus I'm experimenting with new meds from the dr for my stomach which is helping because of the side effects.

BUT...I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.  I'm so miserable-I just feel terrible.  I know I need to do all of this just to start feeling better.  

So for now, I'm not going to worry about the blog being perfect.  I'm just going to use it as my journal for now and then I'll start adding to it.

Why am I sabotaging myself?

So January 1, 2017 I started Weight Watchers again.  And here it is, Jan 30, and I've FAILED this month.  I was not honest with the program.  Did I have some good days?  Sure. But the bad days outweighed the good.  

What I'm trying to wrap my brain around is why do I keep doing this to myself?  I KNOW what to do.  I know how to make a meal plan.  I know how to do macros.  I know how to count calories.  I know how to figure out how many calories/macros a person should consume in a day.  I know how to do Weight Watchers.  I LOVE to workout and know how to lift weights, run, etc.  I'm setting myself up to be successful.  I bought another subscription to emeals-which is a meal planning company that sends you weekly meal plans based on your nutrition goals.  I know websites to visit for healthy options for meals (my favorites are www.skinnytaste.com, www.emilybites.com, and www.drizzlemeskinny.com).  I meal prep my breakfasts, lunches, and snacks for the entire week to bring to work.  I pre-track my food in my tracker (right now it's in Weight Watchers) the day before.  I work out 5-6 days a week. 

SEE?  I KNOW what to do.  

I'm going through the motions-but then I'm sabotaging myself.  I get to the point in the afternoon where I binge-and then I've ruined everything-at least I tell myself that.  Then I convince myself that I've already done the damage, so I might as well keep going because I've already ruined the day.  I'll start again tomorrow morning, I tell myself.  

Things that have been helpful and motivating to me are www.runsforcookies.com-I LOVE her!  She is honest and motivating.  I also like www.halfsizeme.com and her podcasts, because she explains how you need to beat the emotional stuff before you can lose the weight. 

 I want this to be for a LIFETIME.  I want to FEEL better.  I want to divert any health problems in my future-because I have so many now.  I'm hoping writing will help me.  The good, the bad, the ugly.

                                                My goals this week are:
*To workout each day: Tues-run, Wed-arms in the gym, Thurs-run, Fri-legs in the gym, Sat-run.
*Track in the WW app HONESTLY and stay within my points.  
My weigh in days right now are Sat mornings.  I did NOT do well over the weekend (and I actually usually do).  

But today is Monday and my food is already tracked for today and I have all my food prepped and planned for the week.  

                                                        I.can.do.this!

A little background...

I decided to start this blog because I needed accountability for MYSELF.  I feel I have lost my way after my daughter left for the military and can't find my way back. I feel lost with my purpose in life and don't feel like I'm a 'mom' anymore. I spend tons of time reading other people's blogs-why not create my own?  I've wanted to do it for so long, but always put it off because WHAT.IF.I.FAIL?  I'm coming to realize that all the successful people that I admire have failed along the way-but kept going!  So that's what I'm telling myself.

A little about my background...it can't be summed up in a short blog post.  I will have to divulge more and more about myself over time.  But basically, here's the short of it.  Grew up in a home with abuse, drugs, and alcohol.  Near poverty.  Always a little chubby.  Have struggled with depression and overeating my whole life.  Have developed some medical problems over the past few years. After 2 years of college, I joined the military-was told at my first weigh in that I was OBESE (5'4''-150 lbs...definitely not obese, but overweight).  Became a mom and was determined, for some reason, to not keep all the 'baby weight' after giving birth, which began my love of running and weight training. Had 2 children, became fit after both.  Went through an abusive marriage and running saved my life.  It was my outlet.  Finally got out of the marriage and went through ups and downs with my weight and eating.  I went through periods of not working out, eating horribly, then working out, eating right and getting in shape.  It's been a rollercoaster ride.  About 2 years ago, I ended up joining Weight Watchers after an Aunt was very successful with it.  I too, became successful. A while before my daughter decided to join the military she needed to get in shape.  She started weight training and tracking her macros.  I was weight training with her and began tracking macros.  Again, I got super fit.  Then she left for the military and my world fell apart.  We have a super close relationship and I spiraled into depression and lost all of my hard work.  I still have a son living at home who is going to college and I feel like I failed him as well because I was not being the mom I should be. 

I finally feel like I can 'see the light' and I have a lot of plans for my upcoming future and hopefully recovering from all of this.  I want to make lifetime decisions now and implement only things I know I will truly do for the rest of my life.